Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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