plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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