Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
