I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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