My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize