haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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