I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
