She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
