Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
