What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
