Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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