the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
