Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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