I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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