Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I have already put on my inside pants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
