He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize