1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
