Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
