Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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