Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
try to milk me bitch
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
