my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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