I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
