Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Cover your peen. We're going out.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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