Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
