Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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