my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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