I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
