The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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