Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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