He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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