true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
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