Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
