Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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