Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
