Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize