I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
