The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
