Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
