If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
