i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
