I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
