Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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