My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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