R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
