i think my mom watched the whole time
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize