tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
A bitchslap is in order.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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