omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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