Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
one might say we're banned from that church
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
