I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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