apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
