why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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