I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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