but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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