google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
