My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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