so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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