you're like a bully in the Christmas story
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
