Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
