I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
