ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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