Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
