im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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