How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
