Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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