i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
