I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
