so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize